THe Way it Is

I guess everyone has something horrible in their life they have to deal with... and the thought that at least I have a home to go back to, a family that loves me and that I love, and probably the greatest group of friends in the world should be enough to get me through an 8 hour day of hell.

In fact, it is not.


No job should ever make you feel like you're in high school again - constantly checking behind you to see who's there, afraid to even start a conversation with someone because you're afraid they'll make fun of you, and not wanting to respond to your name because if you do, you're sure to be mocked.

These intimidation tactics cause me to have a nervous breakdown when I was 16. Now I find myself facing a situation fairly similar to this, with it's own unique twist, at work.

This time, instead of my peers (co-workers) causing me to wake up and go through the day full of nerves and dread, it's my boss. So I can't just ignore her when she calls me name, can't NOT talk to her because she's so combative when she speaks it puts me on the defensive.

I thought the days of wanting to sleep all day and ignore life and not wanting to get up in te morning because I have to go somewhere (As opposed to not wanting to get in the morning because I like sleeping) were over in 2002.

But I'm trapped. I need this job, and until I find a new one, I'm stuck. Stuck being afraid that what I'm wearing isn't "good enough" and that I'll have to go out and buy new clothes then and there. Afraid that I did something wrong I didn't even know I did wrong, because nobody told me it was wrong. Afraid that, as is my nature, something slipped my mind and I have no other way to explain it than "I forgot" which will make her call me "stupid" in a very backhanded way. Afraid I'll look at her the wrong way, afraid I'll say the wrong thing when I'm not supposed to be talking, afraid of not saying anything when I should be talking.

And all this boils down to is quitting. Quitting before I'm fired. Because I don't like going to work everyday and having her imply that that day may be my last day. I'll quit first, because no one should have to put up with her, and quitting means that I am in control, not her.

SO even now, looking through ads and applying and hoping to God I get something, I'm just planning the monologue I'll have when I tell her off. It has to have a good pace and make sense - it can't just jump around, it has to flow naturally, and while being a good piece of writing, has to be full of the righteous fury everyone who has ever worked under her, and everyone who does work under her, and everyone who ever will work under her, feels. This isn't going to be just an "I can't take you anymore" quitting, this is going to be a standing up for my own dignity and the dignity of everyone else she ever spat on quitting. This will be a day that isn't celebrated in anyway, except by me, but it will be a day quietly whispered about by those who were there.
Someone will say "Good for you" - though I'm sure this will put her in a sour mood and she'll take it out on the other employees... still - I imagine that everyone who feels that blow will remember that a 23 year old girl put her in her place, if even for a minute.

When did that happen?

I wake up, go to work, come ome, watch a few hours of tv, go to sleep. Sometimes I take a bath before I go to sleep, sometimes it's a shower in the morning. When did I start living someone elses life?
Sometimes I get to write, sometimes I don't, and every day I'm reminded of how important it is that I finish a novel, and get it published.
There's nothing wrong with this life of course. It's just not right for me. I can't imagine doing this day in and day out for a year, let alone 15 or 20.
Still, I have a goal. I want to go back to school. I want to move to Maine. I'm only here as a means to an end. I know that. Yet I have to keep on reminding myself that this is only temporary, this is only a way to get me to my dreams.

Ahh... I'll get there.